I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
everyone is single if you try hard enough
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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