i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
