Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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