When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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