I got chris browned last night
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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