So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
