Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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