matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
