Can i not drive my cunt home
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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