Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
