did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
