I wanna bring you to show and tell
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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