I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
