i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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