Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
