i permit you to call me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
