You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He better not be in your backpack
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
