i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
