The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
