I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
