Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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