i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
