So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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