you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i think i just lost a toe
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
