I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
