If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
