the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone says I win the strip club
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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