god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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