The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
