Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
