Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm lost and stupid without you.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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