the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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