you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
