Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So squirting runs in the family.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
