after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My liver just had a heart attack.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
