i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
