Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
