why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
