There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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