I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
