Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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