i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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