Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
