Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
