You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
