so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
