There r osticjed everywhere
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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