she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
