He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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