her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
