Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
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Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
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I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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