I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
