had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
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just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
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The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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