I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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