You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Randomize
