is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
