i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
