do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
