You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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