life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I touched a dick in church today
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
