I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
