someone get that fucking seahorse.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
two words...techno handjob
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
