so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
